Changing Times

As I was beginning the process of packing up to move, I came across this short piece that my wife wrote for a class at Wellesley College. It certainly brings up a lot of memories. I thought I'd share it with you. Our daughter and her husband now have three children.

Changing Times
by Catherine DeVito

When my only daughter, Victoria, announced she would be married this coming June, I assumed she wanted a traditional wedding. Over the past year of planning, all my assumptions have been called into question. She would like the wedding to reflect her and her future husband’s values and lifestyle, or as she put it 'to make her own statement’.

The couple’s love of the outdoors, fishing, camping and hiking is reflected in the theme of the wedding. They chose to have the ceremony on the lawn of a rustic country inn, overlooking a lake close to where they live in Connecticut. It is a halfway point between his family in New York and hers in Boston. The ceremony will be nondenominational, performed by a Unitarian minister. For the past few months they have been gathering readings and hope to write parts of the ceremony. This exercise has led them to define and question some of their religious beliefs and in some ways to cement their relationship.

Since the inn is small and it is a three hour trip for most guests, only the immediate family and a few friends will be able to attend. This will contribute to the feeling of intimacy and informality that they want. Instead of the traditional gown, the bride chose a long, white dress with fresh flowers for her hair. Not only are the invitations environmentally correct but the menu will accommodate the vegetarians among us. Much to my chagrin and my husband's delight, this wedding also is characteristic of my daughter’s sense of thriftiness. Since she was a young child, she could see through to what was excessive and what was necessary.

When I was married, we had what is called a traditional wedding. This means a church and ceremony near the bride’s home with guests going to a hotel, restaurant or hall for the reception. We were married at the Mt. Carmel Church, where all of my relatives were married. We hardly questioned the wedding script, or even the priest’s instructions, which were in keeping with the time.

Our parents planned the reception, which was given in celebration, for family and friends. These included distant relatives and people I had never met. It was held at a lovely country club, very similar to the grounds at the inn, but it could have been anywhere or any place, as far as I was concerned, as long as my husband was there.

My bridal gown was truly beautiful, with a long train, in heavy silk and delicate pearl beading. I felt as wonderful as I am sure Victoria will feel in her simple dress. The most striking similarity between my wedding and Victoria's is our shared anxiety, excitement and sense of commitment, to a new life with another person. I can see myself in her, although it was thirty years ago. I now share a
closeness with her that was not there before.

As I now look back at my wedding, I realize, aside from the physical differences there is a fundamental change in values this wedding is reflecting. In my time it was reflecting my parent's values. Not only was I younger than my daughter bur I had thought less about the meaning of marriage and accepted my parent's decisions. This cultural change reflects a generation less tied to tradition and more committed to personal fulfillment.